Children and Grief Part II

Handling Grief

Children aged 3-5 years

Between the age of 3-5 years children view death as sleep or a temporary state that is reversible. It is important to help children in this age group know that death is not sleep, therefore, using words like “died” or “dead” provides a basis for the child to begin to understand and cope with what has happened. These children have a limited sense of time and will often ask when the dead person is going to come back. The child will ask many questions that may shock or upset the adult, for example: “Why can’t we go and get another father or brother?” As adults we need to understand that the questions come out of a need for security. Like the younger child, the greatest fear at this age is fear of separation. The child needs reassurance that he or she will be taken care of and the remaining family will remain intact.

Sometimes the child may seem indifferent and appear to show no emotions over death. Children do not tolerate sadness over long periods. They need to resume play, which is a way of protecting themselves from their loss. Children in this age group may present the following behaviour as part of their grieving process: They may develop eating and sleeping disorders, inability to control bowel and bladder movements. They experience body pains including stomach-ache, headache, or become prone to flu. They may regress and return to behavior patterns they had outgrown like, clinging to specific adults, thumb sucking, bedwetting or inability to tie shoes. Children of most ages regress in times of stress, for example, the five year old who had good bladder and bowel control begins to soil his or her clothes. This child may revert to wanting to be fed whereas he or she has been able to feed himself or herself satisfactorily.

Fears that the child had before may intensify, for example, fear of the dark, of going to sleep, of new places, of being left alone or of being taken away. Often children are overwhelmed if they think that the bad thoughts they had or the bad things they said caused the death of a loved one. They will need reassurance that what they did or said did not cause the death of a parent, otherwise the child will carry a lot of guilt into adult life. Children experience emotions just like adults, therefore, there will be periods of sadness, anger, anxiety, crying and boredom although these periods are short lived. The adults around need to understand and accept these reactions as normal. Accepting the child’s reactions helps in both his/her grief and growth process.

Children aged 6-10 years

In the event of death 6 to 10 year old children will gradually realize that death is final, universal and personal. They may personify death as a person or a ghost who catches and carries off his victims. By age 9 or 10 they understand that death is inevitable and irreversible and that they too will die one day. These children cope best when they understand, therefore give them simple, honest, and accurate information. The grief process for these children may be made worse by the school situation. When the child returns to school the teachers should be able to provide support if they know what has happened. The child needs to be prepared for the questions or comments from other children in school.

Possible behavior problems presented by children will include socially inappropriate behavior in class, anger towards other children or towards the teacher, poor grades due to preoccupation with loss, inability to concentrate, physical illnesses such as stomach-ache, headache before or during school. This age group may present with anger towards those thought to have caused death such as God, doctors or nurses. The adults involved need to encourage the child to talk about the anger. Anger can also be released through sports or walking. Everyone struggles with anger at one time or other because there is no easy answer to its challenge.

When advising parents or adults to talk to children about death, counselors need to accept that it is not easy to talk about death. Warn parents that they should be prepared for resistance from those who don’t think it is right for children to be told what is going on. However, it is important to make it clear to parents that children read the emotions around them, respond to body language, overhear conversations and ask questions directly or indirectly, therefore, it is impossible not to communicate grief to the children.

What Children Need During the Period of Grief

If we cannot hide what is going on from children, then the most important thing they need is information. We need to give children simple, clear, truthful and repeated information. We can teach them about death by talking about flowers and animals that die. When an animal around the home dies a child will mourns for it and by so doing the child will develop the ability to work through grief.

Children ask a lot of questions and we need to be open to these questions, answering them as honestly as we can or saying we do not know when we do not have an answer. We need to talk about death without fear, keeping in mind that we are also communicating nonverbally and children are perceptive about body language.

As we talk with children we need to be honest about death and the feelings involved. Being honest will involve giving accurate information about the reason for death such as, mum was sick or she was involved in an accident. Children are curious and want to know everything. If we are open and respond honestly every time the question of death arises, the child’s concept of death will grow. Where we are not sure what to say we can ask the child what he or she wants to know because sometimes all a child needs is a very simple fact of information.

We may not be comfortable using the words “death” or “died” but it is important to use these words to help the child understand that the person has died. Many times we tell children that “God took the person.” A statement like this can be confusing to a child who does not understand why God needed to take the mother or father. If the child does not understand, he or she may develop an unhealthy fear of God a fear that may later lead to the rejection of this God who took a parent from him/her. We also need to avoid giving the child the impression that the person will come back by the words we use. Words such as “he is resting,” or “she is sleeping,” will not help the child to appreciate the permanence of death.

The other thing children need is reassurance that they will not be left alone. The surviving parent or an adult the child is close to, has to tell the child that he or she will not be abandoned. Reassure the child that if anything happens to you at a later time (because we all will die some time) someone else will take care of him or her. It is good for the child to have a name of the person who will do so.

Sometimes children think a parent died because of something the child said or did. It is important to explain to the child what he or she said is not what killed the person. If this explanation is not given, the child will be left with guilt that may cause psychological problems later.

Children need to be encouraged to express emotions or feelings even though they are not able to explain exactly what they feel. We need to allow them to grieve by encouraging and allowing them to cry. As they see what is happening to the adults around them they will tend to behave in the same way. Talk with them about how they feel, for example, ask if the child is sad.

Involve the children in what is going on, for example, planning the funeral programme. Allow them to view the body, to attend the funeral service and the burial. If children are not involved they feel isolated, confused and burdened by unexpressed grief. Involving children is not something we usually do. It is difficult and yet not doing so does more harm for children. When children are involved they are given the chance to act out their grief and learn how adults handle their grief also.

We said earlier that children act out their emotions, therefore, we need to give them room to express themselves. Children will express their feelings in play, allow them to play. Let them draw things and then talk about what they have drawn or about the games they have played. During the talking let the child remember the good things or wonderful times with the person who died. Looking at photographs encourages discussion. These discussions create memories that help children to accept death. The older child can be encouraged to write a letter to God telling Him how he or she feels. An adult can then request to read the letter and use the information to help the child in the grief process.