Children and Grief

Most of us do not think children understand or are bothered by death, but like adults children grieve. We often think if we do not tell them what is happening they will not know. The truth is, children can see that something is wrong and they worry a lot. They see people crying, too many visitors and a lot of activities going on. Not telling them the truth makes them turn to fantasy and wild imagination, which is worse than being told the truth because it causes a lot of fear in them. Therefore, children should be told about death immediately. The news should come from the surviving parent, a close relative or a trusted friend who is close to the children. Many times we do not tell children about death because we want to protect them but in so doing we often exclude and isolate them. As stated above, children sense when something serious is happening or when something is wrong and their fantasies are often worse than the truth because they will imagine the worst possible things. Lack of understanding of the nature and extent of their loss may cause children to remain in a state of confusion which is more stressful than the normal process of grieving.

Sometimes children seem casual and callous and this attitude tends to upset adults, however, the attitude does not mean that they are not very sad. Children are vulnerable and they suppress their emotions which are then expressed through their behaviours. For example children who have been well behaved suddenly begin to act differently, they develop sleep disturbances; they wet themselves or wet the bed; they begin to cling; they become rude; they develop eating problems and do many other things they never did before. The presenting behaviour is the child’s way of expressing grief hence the child should not be punished for misbehaving. Rather explain to them why they feel the way they do and then encourage the right behaviour.

A child’s loss is different from an adult’s. The child has lost a nurturer, protector, teacher, or role model, as such, the child will respond differently and will have different needs. What children need is support in their sadness, not protection from sadness. Over-protection tends to rob the child of the opportunity to develop coping skills for healing of the loss. Over-protection encourages a denial of death. Children are not as fragile as we tend to think, they need to talk about death because they do not understand it. They need help to talk about the dead person, to recognize, name and express their feelings just like adults do. Young children often have three basic questions and they need a response to these questions. These questions are: Am I the cause of the death? Will I also die? Who will take care of me?

Some of us adults are normally reluctant to talk with the children about death because we are unable to face our own mortality. On the other hand we are uncomfortable with the questions children raise about death and the afterlife because often we do not think we know enough about the subject to talk about it confidently to children. Where a person is terminally sick it is best if the children are prepared and allowed to ask questions before the person dies.

Do Children Understand Death?

Social scientists who have studied children at various stages of development tell us that children understand death in their own way. Before the age of two, children fully understand the concept of being here and not being here. For example, mother is in the room and then she is not there, she has walked out. They understand having and losing, holding and dropping, appearing and disappearing. At this age children understand death, parting with objects or parting with people in the same way, that is, the person was here but is not here now. The greatest fear of a child during this age is the fear of being separated from those they know because separation makes them insecure. Therefore, we need to provide security and a stable environment for children. We need to hold the child often, holding, touching and softly talking to the child gives comfort, warmth, love and a reassurance that the child is not left alone. As far as possible follow the usual schedule the child is used to, that is, eating and going to sleep at the same time, as well as staying in the same place. Play provides for necessary healing for both the children and the adults involved in their care. As such, time should be spent playing with children.

Bibliography

Mutheu Talitwala. (2011). When death strikes what next? Nairobi. Uzima Publishing House.