WHEN LOSS OCCURS.

In the last article we discussed loss and grief in a general way. We said that each one of us will go through loss at one point or other. We also said that we need to learn to grief for small losses becausethese prepares us to deal with bigger losses.

The biggest or worst of all losses is loss through death. The death of a loved one is devastating because there is a vacuum left that nothing can fill. The level of stress we experience, the emotions we go through and thought we entertain many times may leave feeling like we are going off our minds. Often times those around us may not understand the depth of our pain and may go as far as telling us to snap out ofwhat we are experiencing and get on with life. To us this is a cruel statement from them because it is not easy to just snap out. Grieve is something we have to walk through.

Loss through death is cruel and we do not know how to handle it. We struggle to cope with it because the methods we have used before to deal or cope with other difficult issues do not work now. When we struggle it’s not because we are out of our minds. What we go through is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation that faces us. Each of us experiences the pain in a very individualized way because of our uniqueness.

During the process of grieving there are three things that we experience.

• We have a need to cry out and search just like a toddler cries out and searches for the mother who has walked out of the room. We cry out in search of the departed person. This is a normalhealthyreaction that should not be discouraged or stopped. The way we search is influenced by our culture, religious beliefs and our family background. For example, if our family background restrains crying, we will restrain tears despite the desire to cry out. We will look for other possible ways and if none are found we will try to contain ourselves- which is not healthy.

• There is a need to control, inhibit and deal with the search. This too is influenced by the same factors, family, culture and religious beliefs. No method is wrong, the important thing is to express what we feel within. Failure to meet these needs leads to difficulties later. No one should be stopped from expressing their feelings for whatever reason.

• The need to rebuild our internal world. This world contains everything we assume to be true, i.e. the people and things that are important to us. Loss especially through death turns this world upside down and makes it meaningless. We have to rebuild a new world without the departed person. A sense of meaning comes from fitting many pieces together like we would do for a garment torn badly by thorns or barbed wire. The repair does not leave the garment exactly as it was just as our lives will never be the same after our loss. The stitching is like the process we go through sorting the memories we have of the departed person and choosing which we will keep in our minds and hearts.

Going through the above three steps helps us realize that even though the physical person is gone and will never be there physically again, there is a lot of him/her in our hearts and mind that can’t be taken from us that will always be with us. The above is the process of picking the pieces and putting them together in a way they can be useful again. It is important to remember that despite of our strong faith or lack of it there is an emptiness within.

It is difficult to replace the human relationship the person provided even though God will greatly fill the gap. No one can quite replace that person or the relationship we had with them and that is why we have to rebuild our internal world without them and yet creating room for those who will come in our lives. Failure to do so is to close ourselves in a situation that may lead to negative reactions and emotions later.

Let me say that when we are going through the process of grief especially in the early stages, God may not make sense. We even feel like he is not there because we may not be feeling his touch. It is ok to feel or think that way.Whenyour world is reconstructed you will feel him and he will make sense. However, remember He is our God who changes not and who keeps his word. He is there carrying us through the experience.

We may be going through loss, or have gone through before, or are walking with someone who is going through the process. The important thing is have you thought of the three stages before? Will you allow yourself to go through them? If you are supporting another will you encourage them to go through the search without telling them to snap out of grief and move on?

In the last article we discussed loss and grief in a general way. We said that each one of us will go through loss at one point or other. We also said that we need to learn to grief for small losses becausethese prepares us to deal with bigger losses.

The biggest or worst of all losses is loss through death. The death of a loved one is devastating because there is a vacuum left that nothing can fill. The level of stress we experience, the emotions we go through and thought we entertain many times may leave feeling like we are going off our minds. Often times those around us may not understand the depth of our pain and may go as far as telling us to snap out ofwhat we are experiencing and get on with life. To us this is a cruel statement from them because it is not easy to just snap out. Grieve is something we have to walk through.

Loss through death is cruel and we do not know how to handle it. We struggle to cope with it because the methods we have used before to deal or cope with other difficult issues do not work now. When we struggle it’s not because we are out of our minds. What we go through is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation that faces us. Each of us experiences the pain in a very individualized way because of our uniqueness.

During the process of grieving there are three things that we experience.

• We have a need to cry out and search just like a toddler cries out and searches for the mother who has walked out of the room. We cry out in search of the departed person. This is a normalhealthyreaction that should not be discouraged or stopped. The way we search is influenced by our culture, religious beliefs and our family background. For example, if our family background restrains crying, we will restrain tears despite the desire to cry out. We will look for other possible ways and if none are found we will try to contain ourselves- which is not healthy.

• There is a need to control, inhibit and deal with the search. This too is influenced by the same factors, family, culture and religious beliefs. No method is wrong, the important thing is to express what we feel within. Failure to meet these needs leads to difficulties later. No one should be stopped from expressing their feelings for whatever reason.

• The need to rebuild our internal world. This world contains everything we assume to be true, i.e. the people and things that are important to us. Loss especially through death turns this world upside down and makes it meaningless. We have to rebuild a new world without the departed person. A sense of meaning comes from fitting many pieces together like we would do for a garment torn badly by thorns or barbed wire. The repair does not leave the garment exactly as it was just as our lives will never be the same after our loss. The stitching is like the process we go through sorting the memories we have of the departed person and choosing which we will keep in our minds and hearts.

Going through the above three steps helps us realize that even though the physical person is gone and will never be there physically again, there is a lot of him/her in our hearts and mind that can’t be taken from us that will always be with us. The above is the process of picking the pieces and putting them together in a way they can be useful again. It is important to remember that despite of our strong faith or lack of it there is an emptiness within.

It is difficult to replace the human relationship the person provided even though God will greatly fill the gap. No one can quite replace that person or the relationship we had with them and that is why we have to rebuild our internal world without them and yet creating room for those who will come in our lives. Failure to do so is to close ourselves in a situation that may lead to negative reactions and emotions later.

Let me say that when we are going through the process of grief especially in the early stages, God may not make sense. We even feel like he is not there because we may not be feeling his touch. It is ok to feel or think that way.Whenyour world is reconstructed you will feel him and he will make sense. However, remember He is our God who changes not and who keeps his word. He is there carrying us through the experience.

We may be going through loss, or have gone through before, or are walking with someone who is going through the process. The important thing is have you thought of the three stages before? Will you allow yourself to go through them? If you are supporting another will you encourage them to go through the search without telling them to snap out of grief and move on?